All that I am, all that I ever was
by CindyBaby
Summary: Everything changes the night of Jerry's treehouse demise, not so much because of the tree but because of what happened after. That was the night they came for Jack.
1. Chapter 1

**I've had this idea in my head for awhile but I didn't really know what I wanted to do with it, IF I wanted to do something with it, it didn't feel exactly right so we'll see how it goes. Slightly inspired by "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol, and the lyrics belong to them. And Jack is a bit older here when treehouse incident occured, I always pictured him pretty young at the time, but I made an exception this time.**

**I don't own Four Brothers or the song.**

Jerry was pissed. No, pissed was an understatement, he was downright furious, and the only thing that kept him from leaping across the room to Bobby was Evelyn's stern gaze in front of him.

"Jeremiah".

Her gaze demanded attention, and he looked back at her. Those kind eyes, they never failed to make him do what she wanted. With a sigh his shoulders dropped from the tense way he'd been holding them. Evelyn smiled sadly at him. She knew how much he'd worked on that treehouse and how proud he'd been. She turned to her oldest son, her gaze sharpening into something Bobby could describe as weapons.

"Bobby Mercer. I can't believe you. You knew how hard your brother worked on that project of his".

Bobby resisted the urge to laugh. "Come on Ma, it was a deathtrap waiting to happen".

"Uh I think that's kind of what you turned it into two hours ago Bobby" Angel piped up from where he was seated on the couch next to Jack.

"Oh please" He turned back to Jerry. "I did you a favor Jerry, what if Jack had climbed up there, he could have broken every freaking bone in his body".

"I'm not 5 Bobby" Jack was 13, something Bobby appaerently had some trouble understanding.

"Whatever" Bobby waved off his youngest brothers protest. "It could have happened".

"Well look at him now" Jerry accused, making all eyes turn to Jack where he was seated on the couch, ash all over him.

"That's because you were shrieking like a f-" he cut himself at Evelyn's glare. "like a woman, and he wanted to stop the embarressment".

"So he ran to get water and then proceeded to try and put the fire out, all because I was pissed at you?" Jerry scoffed.

"I'm sitting right here" Jack tried to cut in, but nobody listened. He had tried to put out the fire, but not because he really cared about the treehouse, other than that Jerry was sad about it's demise, but because when there was fire the police tended to come, and when the police came they usually hauled one of them off to the station, usually Bobby. Jack really didn't want that to happen again.

The argument was interrupted by the phone ringing and Jack got up with a sigh to answer it as all the others were busy with their staring contest. Way to be ignored.

…

"I don't want any fighting while I'm gone you hear me. We'll talk about this tomorrow. Behave". Evelyn gave them one last stern glare before closing the door behind her. The tension was thick as Bobby waited to see if Jerry would jump him or not, and Angel prepared himself to but in if need be. Altough he would most likely only be drawn into the fight.

"Look Jer I'm sorry bout the house, but honestly it wasn't that much to look at, maybe you can start again? Get it, fuck I don't know, straight or something?"

Jack rolled his eyes. Bobby had a way of apologizing that usually didn't sound much like an apology at all.

"Fucking bastard" Jerry glared at him before turning and walking towards the stairs.

"Oh come on Jer..."

"You should apologize" Angel mumbled, head halway in a game on the TV.

"I already did, get in the game Angel"

"A better one" Jack offered.

"Hey don't be like that, I did this for you too Jackie-O, you could have gotten hurt up there" Bobby mocked.

"I'm not a kid Bobby, get that through your thick skull"

"Aww he's just protective of his little brother" Angel grinned and reached out to ruffle Jack's hair but Jack swatted him away and stood up and stomped off towards the stairs and his room.

"Oh for the love of... Jack!" Bobby dragged his hand through his hair as he sighed frustrated.

A low "fuck off" was the only sound coming from the youngest Mercer before the door to his room slammed shut.

"What's up with him?" Angel looked up from the game to glance at oldest brother standing with a furrowed brow and gaze trained at the doorway.

Bobby dragged a hand over his eyes slowly. Fuck he wasn't made for this, didn't know how to handle a teenager that acted like Jack did. He just wanted to slap some sense into him, but that wasn't really an option here. "He hasn't been sleeping" He mumbled after a few seconds.

Angel nodded, no more explanation needed.

…

_We'll do it all. Everything. On our own._

Jack strummed his guitar lightly, trying to ignore the chill trying to creep under his skin and into his soul. He'd barely slept this week and those nights when he'd finally fallen asleep he'd woken up with a scream muffled in his throat. He'd blink and then Bobby was there. Sometimes before he'd even woken up, and sometimes he'd barely had time to understand where he was before his door was opening and his brother striding across the small room to the bed, taking his place on the chair next to it. Jack was grateful. That didn't stop them from fighting though.

…

"_Such a stupid boy this one, look at him Frank. Where the hell did you find this one?"_

_Frank laughed a little before pulling on the boy's blond hair harshly, but getting no reaction. "Well you know, they practically hand them out nowdays. Just fucking with ya, was the missus that wanted one, thought it could be good with some extra cash and I thought you know, why the hell not right?"_

"_Speaking of, where is Susie? Haven't seen hear for awhile"_

"_Out fucking around I suppose" Frank laughed before gripping the hair underneath his hand tightly before giving him a shove so he fell to the floor. "Don't care either"._

"You sure this is it Frank?"

"Yeah. That little fucktard squeeled like a fucking pig so aint no chance he's lying. This is the house alright".

"Good" Billy massaged his hand with the other, trying to avoid touching what was left of three of his fingers but failing, causing his grin to slip a little. "Let's get to it then".

**Hey just realized as I was writing that this is gonna be dark. At least some, so continue at your own risk. Gonna be short, probably just 1 or 2 chapters more, maybe 3.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here we go, next chapter, hope you like it :) And thank you so much for the reviews, they make my day! :) Lyrics come from Lykke Li's song "Tonight", if you haven't heard it I really think you should, it's amazing.**

**I don't own Four Brothers.**

_He always knew what he was prepared to do if it came down to it. When it does he's not sorry, not thinking, just reacting._

"So, where's the crazy one tonight?" When Bobby received no answer from Angel he chuckled. "Off again then? Come on Angel, how long are you two gonna do this dance huh? On off, on off?"

"You don't understand"

"Damn right I don't understand. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You'll understand one day" Came the wise reply.

"Doubt it" Bobby took another swig of beer and shook his head sadly. Honestly.

…

"Hey"

Jack looked up and found Jerry leaning his head in through his partly opened door. He frowned as he realized that he hadn't even heard him open it. "Hey".

Jerry sauntered in and took the seat usually occupied by Bobby. "You writing?"

Jack looked down at the blank paper next to him and shook his head. "Sorry about your treehouse".

Jerry chuckled. "Should have known Bobby wouldn't be able to leave it be"

"He didn't mean to make you upset, it's just..." Jack trailed off, not sure how to explain his oldest brothers recent actions.

"Who he is" Jerry had no such problems. "I know" After a few seconds silence he added; "I'll get him back".

Jack grinned a little and nodded. "He'll like that"

His brother laughed and got to his feet. "Maybe you should change" Jack looked down at his shirt, more gray than white now. "you look like Oliver Twist". The last part was said with a small grin, the inside joke as common as it was true. They were all Oliver's at one point or another.

Jerry left, closing the door behind him and Jack was left in silence. He sighed and pushed his notebook and guitar aside and stood and stretched. His left hand out of habit drifting down to the place where the shirt had ridden up to expose skin, his fingers drifted over the scar there, now smooth and not raised and angry as it had been. He couldn't feel it anymore, yet his fingers knew exactly where it was. In his mind that place was just a little bit colder than the rest of him. A shiver raced down his spine and his eyes were drawn to the partly open window. He walked over slowly, stopping and letting his fingers play across the window, only seeing his own reflection staring back at him. It was getting dark outside now, and he always wanted everything closed when it did. He never did like the dark.

_Watch my back so I make sure, you're right behind me as before, yesterday the night before tomorrow, dry my eyes so you won't know, dry my eyes so I won't show, I know you're right behind me_

A knock made him turn just in time to see Bobby open the door and stepping inside. He took one look at the frightened look on Jack's face and immediatly took the few steps seperating them. "What's wrong?"

Jack willed his heartbeat to slow down and tried to speak. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong I was just... closing the window".

Bobby gave him a look that showed how stupid he thought that sounded and pushed him lightly away to peer out into the darkness. When he didn't see anything out of the ordinary he turned again to silently observe as his little brother flitted around the room, trying to find a clean shirt. "You gonna be able to sleep?"

Jack looked up, a startled look in his eyes that made Bobby's stomach turn into knots. "Yeah, yeah I think so". Probably not.

Bobby didn't believe him either, but he didn't want to push him right now, not when he had that look in his eyes. So he just nodded and walked over to the door, pausing. "I'll be downstairs".

"You should probably talk to Jerry" Jack adviced, emerging from a pile of laundry with a clean shirt in his hand.

Bobby shook his head, since when was everyone else better at socially accepted behaviour than him? "Fine". After hesitating for a second he closed the door before leaving and bumping into Jerry at the head of the stairs.

"Jer" When he didn't answer he followed him down. "Come on Jerry".

"You piss me off just by talking" Was the only reply he got before Jerry disappaered into the kitchen. Just then something Jack called music and Bobby called 'shitty noise designed to make him writhe in agony' started, making the oldest groan. Not for the first time Bobby wished there had never been a band called Sex Pistols. What the fuck was that about anyway?

"Welcome to the club" Angel mumbled from the couch.

"Shut it Angela" Bobby pointed at him.

"That the best you could come up with? Angela?"

"Oh I'll show you my best" Bobby rubbed his fist with a grin and stepped towards the couch while Angel got up with his own grin.

A knock on the door made Bobby pause in his step and chuckle lightly. "Lucky" He quipped at Angel before walking over to answer it.

"You keep telling yourself that" Angel grinned, pointing at Bobby's retreating back.

Bobby only shook his head and grimached at the music making the walls of the house shake. "Jack! Turn it down!" There was no reply and no music lessening in degree and Bobby wanted to go back in time and smash Jack's CD player the day it was bought by Angel. With a muted curse he pulled the door open to see two unfamiliar faces looking back at him.

…

_Don't you let me go, let me go tonight_

Jack looked at the mess that was his room as Sid roared his outrage at the world around him. Ma was right when she told him it looked like someone hadn't cleaned it in years. Reluctantly he started piling all the dirty laundry in the basket before gathering his schoolbooks strewn around the floor. Well at least he'd taken them home, even if he didn't open them.

…

"Yeah?" Bobby asked, impatience coloring his voice. His gaze swept over the guys standing on his porch with a raised brow, everything from the way they held themself to the cold eyes - and alarm bells went off in his head. His hand twitched in an urge to reach into the back of his jeans for something he knew wasn't there. His grip on the doorhandle hardened and so did his eyes. They still hadn't spoken. "I think you have the wrong house" His voice was calm, but cold, the warning obvious.

That seemed to wake the guys up from whatever spell they were under. One of them took a step forward as he reached for something behind him. "I think we're at just the right one".

Bobby didn't need the second it took for the words to reach his brain before he tried to slam the door shut, the other one quickly sticking his arm and foot in. He cursed. "Angel! Jerry!" He slammed his shoulder against the door, trying to push it shut with the help of his bodyweight. He pushed against it with his shoulder and grabbed onto the arm wedged between and pulled it sharply to the side, making the owner curse and scream, but before he could hear that satiesfying crack he was forced to let go as the other pushed even harder against the door. Then Jerry was there throwing his weight at the door, making the man howl in agony and drag his arm out while the other one cursed. Bobby never saw Angel come running, he just saw him launch a kick at the leg still wedged in between, and suddenly there wasn't nearly as much pressure from the other side and with another kick the man fell back and they slammed the door shut, Bobby locking it quickly.

"What the fuck!"

"What the hell, who were these guys?" Angel panted.

"Fuck if I know" Bobby dragged a hand through his hair. "I need my gun". He started towards the stairs intent on getting the gun from his room, that God awful music still blaring. "Jack!" He started to run, the thought of his youngest brother making his heart beat harder in his chest, but he came to a quick stop as a thought flashed through his head. "The backyard".

Angel and Jerry's eyes widened as the same thought hit them. The door from the kitchen to the backyard. The one they weren't even sure was locked. Jerry took two steps towards the kitchen before he stopped.

"Don't move or I'll blow your head clean off"


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi there, so tired today... not even coffee helps... Hope you like this chapter.**

**I don't own Four Brothers, or the lyrics which comes from "Chasing cars" By Snow Patrol.**

For a few micro seconds everything seemed frozen in time. Nobody moved, nobody even breathed, then Bobby took two steps towards the stairs again, hoping that he hadn't been seen yet. The harsh shout following his movement crushed that idea.

"Hey! Stop right there" Bobby did, and turned to see the man taking the steps that would bring him into the room, and even closer to Jerry. He was holding a gun, and as the brothers watched he leveled it at Jerry's head more firmly. "Another step and you'll be cleaning up this one's brains for a week".

"What do you want?" Bobby asked calmly despite the fire raging in his veins. The bad feeling he'd had since he opened the door only intensified and he couldn't help but curse himself for not reacting faster, for not thinking about the other door straight away. "There's not much to steal around here" He added.

"Shut up" The man glanced behind him as the other one appaered too, rubbing his arm and glaring straight at Bobby, who stared back without flinching.

"Let's talk about this alright?" Angel took a step forward, hands held out in a gesture that signaled peace, but he stopped when the other man pulled out a knife in response.

"Don't move"

Bobby watched with cold eyes and mouth set in a firm line from his place by the stairs. "I ask again, what do you want?" He locked eyes with the one holding the gun, as he seemed to be the one calling the shots. When he didn't answer straight away he narrowed his eyes in thought. "Do you have any idea whose house you've just broken into?"

That provoked a response, as the one holding the gun grinned a little, a strange glint lighting up his eyes in a way that caused Bobby's feeling of unease to grow even more. "It's the right one alright, Mercer".

Bobby sighed inwardly. So it was personal then. Fantastic. "Have I screwed you over? Harassed you? Made fun of your girly shoes or what? Whatever it is, be a man and take it with me you piece of shit". He spat the last part out in a challenge, hoping to draw more attention to himself, and away from Jerry.

It didn't work, as the one holding the gun laughed a little before pointing the gun at them, one at a time. "Wrong Mercer".

Bobby lifted an eyebrow in question, a sardonic grin lighting his face. "Wrong as in I was wrong or..."

"As in you're not the Mercer we seek"

Fucking shit. Bobby's eyes snapped quickly to Angel and Jerry, their eyes showing the same confusion as his own. Who were they after? They were all... Bobby's heart seemed to stop the same time that thought did. The assholes hadn't done anything yet other than threaten them. They hadn't attacked them, told them what they wanted or made any move to kill them, at least not yet. But then again, all of them weren't here either. One Mercer was missing, and suddenly Bobby just knew that he was the one they were waiting around for.

"We're all here asshole" Jerry spat, and Bobby knew he had figured out the same thing he himself had.

"No no no" The man holding the gun chuckled. "One's missing, right? Little Jack? Where's he at tonight?"

Fucking shit. Bobby clenched his hands tightly, but it was Angel who answered.

"He's not home asswipe"

"Shut your fucking mouth!" The gun pointed in Angel's direction and the tension in the air rose.

"He's right" Bobby cut in smoothly. "He's not home, probably won't be til tomorrow. He's fickle like that" Another sardonic grin. It worked, and the man focused his attention at Bobby again.

"This your kind of music?" He gestured around the house, where Sid was now singing a different tune.

Bobby shrugged "What if it is? You got a problem with that?"

The man holding the knife stepped forward. "I got a problem with you boy"

Bobby stepped forward in response, fear for his brothers making adrenaline race through his body and causing his muscles to tense in preparation for a fight. "Let's hear it then you piece of shit".

The man holding the gun placed a firm hand on his partners shoulder. "Cut it out. Now I know your lying to me, and I don't like being lied to, so let's try this again, where the hell is he?"

"Are you stupid or something?" Angel stepped forward, ignoring the gun pointing his way "He's not home!"

The man snarled, and pushed Jerry violently to the floor before throwing a hard punch across Angel's jaw, making him stumble back before righting himself in order to fight back. He was then met with the gun and he stopped in his step. "One more time... one more time and the next bullet goes straight here" he tapped at Angel's forhead with the nuzzle.

"Angel" Jerry spoke warningly, having already gotten to his feet again.

Angel glared at the man, but took a step back, coming to a stop next to Jerry, blood coating his lip.

"Hey" The man focused his attention back at Bobby. "What's your name?" The question, innocent as it was, was spoken with words cold enough to make hell freeze, malice dripping from every word.

The man with the gun shrugged and grinned. "Billy. Why?"

"I always like to know the name of the man I'm going to kill" Bobby's voice was low, muted with rage simmering just beneath the surface, and for one short second Billy faltered, surprised by the rage he felt pouring from the man by the stairs before he shook it off quickly.

"We'll see about that won't we" Billy grinned wide. "Now... where were we... that's right. You were about to tell me were Jack is hiding".

…

Jack raised his head from the pillow at the unexpected sound. He didn't know what he'd heard, it sounded like a thump, very likely since wrestling was as common as curses in Mercer household. Probably Bobby and Jerry, duking it out. Or rather, problem solving as Bobby liked to call it. He got up and walked over to the door, listening to see if he could hear who was winning, maybe Angel would be interested in a little bet... he could use som cash for that record he'd been eyeing. He opened the door wider, and something made him stop in his step, a feeling of unease creeping over him again. It was quiet. It was never quiet when he or his brothers wrestled or fought. Never. The music came to a stop and he glanced back at the player, it'd been the last song on the record, and now the quiet seemed even more obvious than before. Despite his better judgement, despite everything he knew and everything he'd learned growing up he took a few steps out in the hallway. The relief he felt when he saw Bobby standing next to the stairs at the bottom was immediate and he smiled a little. He took a few steps down, the stairs creaking as they always did when someone walked on them.

"Already winning huh?" Bobby's eyes snapped up to his, and Jack frowned at the panic he saw in them. "What..."

He didn't have a chance to continue before Bobby threw himself at the table by the door, grabbing Evelyn's beloved vace and hurling it forward. "Run Jack!" But he hadn't even had time to take a single step before Bobby was thrown against the stairs roughly. He sat up quickly only to be met with a gun pointed straight at his head.

Jack let out a gasp and took two quick steps down before coming to a stop as the man holding the gun on Bobby looked up and met his eyes.

"Jack. Finally".

"_Billy what the fuck we do with this one now? Fuck look at him, all broken and shit. He's not even talking? I doubt he's even thinkin..."_

"_Here, that'll wake him up"_

_Searing pain, burning pain, the smell of burnt flesh... pain, screams...neverending screams..._

Jack was frozen, his eyes still locked on Billy's. Memories played like a movie without sound through his head. Slideshow after slideshow, one new pain after another until there was nothing new about it anymore. He felt cold, he was cold, he was dead, he had to be. He was sure of it, there was no way that Billy was standing in his home. His home, his safe haven, the only safe place he'd ever known, the only one he could remember, the only home he wanted to remember.

"Jack" Bobby's voice pushed it's way through the memories and the fear, and he broke away from Billy's gaze to meet his oldest brother's. Bobby had angled his head back and to the side, ignoring the gun now pressing against the side of his face. When their eyes met Bobby didn't speak, but mouthed at him to run. Jack frowned, what did he mean? But then he understood, Bobby wanted him to run and leave them all behind. No, no he couldn't do that, he wouldn't do that. Without knowing he shook his head and Bobby's eyes hardened, but he stayed where he was, frozen on the stairs.

"Jack" Billy's voice made him shiver."Don't you think you should get down here?"

"Don't talk to him you fucking piece of shit" Bobby growled out between teeth clenched tight.

His head exploded with pain as his head snapped to the side and for a moment Bobby saw stars dancing in front of his eyes. He heard Angel and Jerry gasp and rush forward, only to be forced back, and he heard Jack scream. He leaned heavily on his side, waiting for the dizziness to fade, and when he did he felt the telltale feel of something warm running down his face. When the red reached his mouth he looked up at the fucker glaring at him and touched it, blood coating his fingertips. Then he grinned. The grin slipped when he felt Jack at his back.

_If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me, and just forget the world?_

"I'm right here" Jack's voice was muted, resigned, and Bobby wondered if he was talking to him, or Billy? "Don't hurt him, I'm right here".

He tried to resist the urge to reach down and make sure that Bobby was okay, certain that something like that would only produce more violence from Billy. He glanced down when Bobby chuckled roughly.

"Jack, don't you worry, I can take anything this fucking Sinead O'Connor wannabe can do. I'll probably even like it"

Another mocking grin and Jack wanted to scream in frustration. He knew what he was doing, drawing attention away from his brothers, and back to him. Brothers... For the first time he lifted his head to glance over to the kitchen. He'd felt them there, knew they were watching, and he was right. Standing a few feet apart were his other brothers, the man he knew would have been with Billy standing next to him, arm outstretched, knife glinting with the light coming from the overhead lamp.

"Jack. Look at you, all grown up" He raised his hand not holding the knife in a mock wave. "My my, don't you look pretty..."

"Don't talk to him" The words were low, but a clear warning, and the knife was quickly pointed at Jerry.

"You're in no position to make demands" Billy snarled from the stairs. "Get up" He gestured to Bobby, who got to his feet slowly. "Over there". He gestured over to Angel and Jerry, but Bobby stayed where he was, his brown eyes locked on Billy's. "I said move!"

Bobby smiled slowly, the coldness in his eyes making them seem almost black. This new position put him right in front of Jack, the best place to be right now according to him. He felt him at his back, felt the fear rolling over him in waves. This fucker probably didn't know it, but this was his job, he'd promised to protect him, and he would, no matter what. "Make me".


	4. AN

**Hi!**

**I thought I had uploaded an AN before I left but obviously something went wrong? Anyway, sorry for not telling you then that I would leave for a while. I haven't been feeling good, and I just needed to get away, just leave and I don't know? Find new inspiration? Myself? All that stuff people are always talking about. I was kind of picturing how I would spend some time looking out over Grand Canyon, reflecting over life and the choices I have made that have taken me here, where I want to go and who I want to be. **

**Well, I didn't find myself, instead I found someone else. And he broke my heart. It may seem a bit dramatic (points to above text as reference), but I have honestly never felt something like that before. Never. It was a few intense weeks where I actually felt more alive than I've done in the last 3 years. And now... Now I remember why it's so much better not to feel at all. **

**Isn't it strange? I was looking at amazing waterfalls, gazing out over Grand Canyon in the sunset, gambling my money away in Las Vegas, sleeping in the desert, listening to country music in Nashville and now all I can see is him. **

**It just hurts so freaking bad. I don't know how to explain it, it was just so intense, and now the hurt is just as intense as those feelings. I know this must sound stupid and over dramatic (hey I'm a wannabe writer, of course it's dramatic) to some, but I literally feel like I've lost a part of me that I didn't even know existed. I was just so different with him? More happy and carefree. Like I didn't have all the usual problems waiting for me when I got back home. **

**A few weeks filled with laughter, passion, jealousy, fights, smiles, hugs, tears... and I'm changed, whether I want to be or not. Suddenly I understand the meaning of the words; "You can never to go back..."**

**Anyway, if anyone's been making it through this depressing text, I'm back. Expect angsty updates and probably more angsty stories for the next decade or so. I'll post this AN to the stories I'm currently working on to explain my disapperance. Right now I just want to run, just run away, but I'm trying to resist that urge. **

**/CB**


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